Dance Of Death
by Goddess Isa
Summary: Xander’s thoughts on his life with Buffy after her death


TITLE: Dance Of Death  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa  
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com  
SUMMARY: Xander's thoughts on his life with Buffy after her death  
RATING: TV-PG  
SPOILER: When She Was Bad and MILD S5 Buffy  
DISTRIBUTION: HTTP://PLANETSLAYTHIS.HOMESTEAD.COM Feel free to use my work just send me the link  
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt and UPN own the characters within. Joss is an ass, but God Bless UPN for saving Buffy and hopefully, making it better than ever. (Or at least the best its been since the Angel days. Sigh.)  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: A Duran Duran song inspired this for whatever weird reason. At least it wasn't a coupon this time.  
9/8/01  
  
  
  
  
She meant the world to me.  
  
Elizabeth Anne Summers.  
  
The Buffster. Buffarino.  
  
Buffy.  
  
She was never "my" Buffy, not really, but that was all I dreamed of for five years. Me and Buffy together, forever.  
  
At first, I could see it coming. Angel was everything I wasn't, and it was only natural that she would fall for him. Everyone fell for him.  
  
Then we got rid of him, forever. And I thought I had a shot.  
  
Of course, Scott Hope had to swoop in, ready to take over my woman. I had a tiny glimmer of hope when she told him she wasn't ready, but of course, Angel was back before I could do anything about it.  
  
Yes, Cordelia was in the way of my making a move, but I could've overpowered that. I could overpower anything but Buffy's love for Angel.  
  
I let myself fall into lust with Willow simply to escape my feelings for Buffy. It kept her out of my dreams for awhile, but never out of my heart.  
  
Never out of my journals, either.  
  
There's too many of them, twenty-eight to be exact. Hundreds and hundreds of pages about her life.  
  
Hundreds and hundreds of pages of crap.  
  
As I toss them into the fire, one-by-one, I keep the first one close to my chest. I'll never forget the day I started it. That day was the beginning of the end, I think.  
  
Buffy had just gotten home from her summer in LA with Daddy Hank as Willow and I would teasingly call him. We knew that all she did while visiting him was hang around with her old friends, sunbathe and spend his money. Hank was more than willing to toss her the plastic if it meant he'd earn her love. The stupid bastard had no idea that he automatically had her love because Buffy loves everyone she knows unconditionally. That's how great a heart she has.  
  
Has. As though she's still here with me.  
  
Anyway, she showed up at The Bronze that night in clothing so tight, I thought it might be screaming to get off of her. Britney Spears would surely be jealous if she saw her.  
  
The way Buffy moved up to me and took me to the floor, I thought for sure we were starting something. We began to dance, skin to skin, hearts racing. I was THIS CLOSE to losing it, THIS CLOSE to kissing her 'till her lips were bruised and then I'd move down to her neck and breasts and lower and lover so that we got kicked out of the nightclub.  
  
It's only a dance, I told myself as she gently kissed my lips, her body pressing so hard against mine that I nearly lost my balance. The dancing and the lights and the music are the only reason she's acting this way. It doesn't mean anything.  
  
However, that kiss....it means something.  
  
"Xander," Buffy said my name in a voice so breathless I nearly passed out.  
  
"Uh, yeah?" I tried to look at her, tried to speak. In my head, it all sounded like gibberish.  
  
"Did I ever thank you," she ran a hand down my chest, he eyes locked with mine, "For saving my life?"  
  
"N-n-no," I stammered, surprised I had any voice to work with at all.  
  
She smiled wickedly. "Don't you wish I would?"  
  
Buffy grabbed my balls and then stalked away, a satisfied look on her face.  
  
I stood there alone with a woody and a stunned look on my face. Then I realized that people were staring, and I left, ignoring Willow as she called my name.  
  
Walking home alone, I realized that I had two options. I could learn to hate Buffy and plot my most devious revenge, or I could fall in love with her.  
  
Of course, I chose Plan B. And that's what got me where I am today.  
  
Hell.  
  
Damn that dance, damn the Bronze, damn Cibo freaking Mato and damn Willow for suggesting I even go to the Bronze in the first place.  
  
I put the first journal I ever kept inside my coat pocket before leaving, knowing that the fire wouldn't burn the house down. It would die, eventually, and Anya would be left with a house of her own, not that she'd want it.  
  
I never meant to hurt her, but it's hard not to hold the person that's there when the one you want couldn't be further away. And I do love Anya, in my own way, but things can't be the way she wants them to be. I don't want her like I want Buffy.  
  
I don't love her like I love Buffy, and I can't live without the woman who dances in my dreams every night.  
  
The cemetery is cold, lonely like I expect it to be. Spike has kept his promise, and Harmony is waiting for me when I arrive. She turns me without giving it a second thought, and I don't feel it. I don't notice it until she and Spike have tied me to a tree and I feel the sunrise burning me through my veins.  
  
As daylight comes, the pain subsides, and all I feel is calm as finally, I drift away, and find Buffy again.  
  
And finally, we're together.  
  
Forever.  
  
Or at least until Angel is redeemed enough to die and come to Heaven.   



End file.
